It's the eighth commandment, you fucking hypocrite!

Webster's Dictionary definition of "steal": To take another person's property; to move in a sly way; to move secretly.

This definition must be expanded, and I'm going to tell you why (was there ever any doubt?). I work for a clothing company that does mucho business both online and in retail outlets. We're five-brands strong, and during the holiday season last year, we hit a record 1 million and some-odd thousand items sold in a single week. That's actually quite amazing, when the numbers are dissected and broken down. I'm not going to do that (because I can't). The most expensive brand we carry is A*****a. Sorry, don't want to lose my job. I love my job, can't imagine doing anything else, so you're going to have to figure it out for yourself.

This particular brand has a "no fault" return policy. No matter how old it is, no matter what the condition, the items purchased can be returned for refund or exchange. There are two stipulations: 1) The item must have the original tag that was sewn into it when purchased and 2) If it's an item like swimsuit bottoms, it must be returned with the hygenic strip in place. That's all. The items are mostly sportswear like ski pants, bathing suits, yoga pants, tennis skirts, etc. The products are more expensive than the other brands. A LOT more. I mean, a WHOLE LOT more. A single shirt (not a dress shirt, just a plain t-shirt you might wear to a spinning class) can run $50.00 or even more. For a t-shirt. Yeah. Ski pants are well over $200.00. A water bottle can run $25.00. You get the idea. The problem is that damned return policy. It gives the customer a license to steal. And they do...

The first time I was put on catalog returns for this brand, I received a pair of shoes (hiking sandals, actually) that had already been credited by customer service, via telephone, in February, shortly after the order was placed. I opened the return in October. Got that? They waited until AFTER the summer was over to actually return the shoes. No reason was given as to why the customer was returning them (there are several reasons to choose from in returning an item, including "too expensive," "arrived late," and my favorite, "didn't like the color" which about half the time, no kidding, is literally a black or white issue; as in the color they didn't like, which they themselves ordered, was either black or white!). The shoes had obviously been worn, and I didn't need to look at the soles to figure it out. They'd disintegrated. They had dirt and sand all over them, the customer's foot was imprinted on the shoe, and a strap was coming off. My theory: she was familiar with the return policy, and the idiocy of the customer service agents, and decided to take advantage (to be fair, I don't know what the policies are for CSRs, so this particualer CSR may have been following protocol). She wore them to the beach, or hiking, maybe ran through a few creeks, stepped on a few toads, let her dog chew on them, then sent them back. This, my friends, is stealing. Plain and simple. And this type of thing is not uncommon. The oldest invoice I've persoanlly returned, late last year, was from 2003. The oldest I've seen was from 2001. The customer can return for credit, gift card, or exchange. I've referred to this as "renting" clothes, as if we're the "clothing library." But what it actually is, is stealing. Regardless of what the policy states.

We, like many other web sites, charge a small fee for return labels. Our's is $6.00. But there are ways to avoid this charge (not gonna tell you... forget it). The A*****a customers are THE WORST to try to get out of it. This is what REALLY pisses me off! I got a return the other day from a customer of this brand. Thirty-one items returned, a $1500.00 order, and they called the idiots in customer service and told them they'd received a "wrong item" (alright, you get ONE). It turns out the item was EXACTLY what the bitch ordered, but the CSR she spoke to promised her the fee would not be charged (this is a better example of our idiot CSRs). Let me get this straight: you have no problem placing an order for more than a thousand bucks worth of clothes, but you're too cheap to pay for your own fucking shipping label?! Someone, please, slap the fuck out of this person.

You get the idea? No matter how you look at it, these well-to-do people are stealing. And anyone who lives in the real world knows they're not only stealing from the guy who signs my paychecks, but from me and the more than a thousand people that have to put up with their bullshit excuses, their cons, and their thieving. It affects my raise. It affects our bonus programs, which have already begun to go the way of Heidi Montag's face. And it affects you, as well. Even if you don't shop A*****a, you've probably purchased from one of our other brands. The prices will end up increasing substantially, so you'll end up being another victim of these thieves. I know there are those of you who are going to say "Why not just change the policy?" We can't, it's a whole legal issue about which I don't know enough to speak intelligently. Or maybe you'd say "If that's the policy, then you have nothing to gripe about." If you're one of these, you're a fucking idiot.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return this half-eaten quarter-pounder with cheese. I'll let you know how it works out for me...