First and foremost, let me say that everyone who shops at WalMart is not a "WalMart Shopper."
I'm going to explain the term, though I'm sure most of you already know what it means. Those of you who don't are probably members of this impudent, inconsiderate, egomaniacal, and just plain rude class of citizen. You may know them by different names such as "asshole," "jerk," "fucking prick," and many, many others. The WMS is, in it's own mind, the only individual on the road, in the store, and, in extreme cases, the wide world. Certainly undesirables we must strive to educate. But in order to educate, we must first explore the individual. I've compiled a few scenarios for you, so you may better identify a WMS. If you ARE a WMS, you'll find out here. And if indeed you are, please make the effort to apply the helpful hints I've also included to make yourself a more conscientious and desirable member of society. With everyone's help, we can eliminate the need for the term and bring our society one step closer to the civilty of which we all dream. Of course, that'd mean I'd no longer have anything to write about. HAHAHA!!! Right, as if one blog no one even reads can have that much of an impact. But I digress... let's begin.
How to spot the WalMart Shopper
1) The WMS hasn't got the time to bother trying to find a parking space, whether the store's busy or not. Look for cars idling or outright parked in the "no parking" zones between the two entrance doors; the sure sign an invasion has already begun. This includes any and all other stores, as well. Despite the term, the WMS isn't exclusive to Wally World.
2) The WMS will rarely return a cart to the corral, regardless of how near or far the corral sits. 'Ware the rolling cart, friends.
3) Once inside, the WMS is in top form. The first thing to watch for is the using of the in-door to go out. Small children are particularly vulnerable, as a WMS will stare at it's receipt from the register to it's vehicle. Careful, kiddies, hold mommy's hand.
4) Your trip down the aisle has prerequisites attached: quick reflexes, a keen eye, infinite patience for ignorance and/or a quick wit, and at least two viewings of any one of the four "Indiana Jones" movies (you can substitute three showings of at least two different "Die Hard" or "James Bond" flicks). These are intended for your own protection when the WMS is in the aisle, either not watching where it's going, chatting on the phone, or just doesn't care if it injures someone.
5) A WMS tends to park a cart either in the middle of an aisle or, if the aisle is wide enough, it will park it slantways across the aisle, while it looks for that Hershey's cocoa it's absolutely CERTAIN it saw was on sale. This is a cry for help. This WMS is aware it has issues, and wants someone to acknowledge this truth. That's your job. I prefer the "don't ask, don't tell" method in these cases. I take the cart and move it forward in whatever direction I happen to be traveling. This rarely gets much of a reaction, but if it does, a simple "excuse me" should suffice in response.
6) While shopping in the main aisle, careful of the WMS who comes barrelling into the aisle heedless of what may be coming the other way. This is an all too familiar occurance, and garners neither surprise nor apology. In fact, you're likely to get a sneer and a huff, and if you continue forward regardless, a very stern "excuse me!" I prefer wit in this situation... you may choose to ignore it, it's entirely your call. Keep in mind, however, they'll never learn if you remain silent.
7) At check out, if the WMS in front of you has forgotten an item, it'll run back for it. ACT FAST! Remove the cart and step ahead of them. When it returns and cries foul, say you don't save places. It's not required. Once they leave it, they have zero recourse.
8) Walk quickly to your car, eyes and ears open, and children in hand. Oh! Almost forgot, yank those keys out of pocket or purse, and have them ready!
Congratulations! You've just completed the course. Put these tips into practice everywhere you go, and we'll cure the world of the WMS in... hmmm... 50-100 years? Do it for our great-great-grandchildren.
OH! Almost forgot again! The keys are for me and the other people who shop at WalMart. If you see a particularly awful WMS in action, key that motherfucker's car.
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