24- The Library (a mostly true story)

(A recent trip to the library has reinforced the truth of an old saying: people suck. My name's Mick... and this is going to be the longest 24 minutes of my life...)

The following events occurred between 11:10am and 11:34am...

I remember when the library was a peaceful place. I remember being told to shush by an old blue haired woman in spectacles when my voice happened to rise above a whisper. And running in the library was unheard of in those days. These were the thoughts going through my head when I again saw the two tots barrelling up the aisle toward me. I glanced around, looking for an answer to this dilemma, looking for hope, looking for the woman who trailed the kids inside. Looking for the parent. Then I spotted her, over by the DVD section, blissfully unaware of the goings on, with her iPod plugged into her ears. I decided I'd have to take matters into my own hands. I walked over to engage her in polite conversation...

Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am? Yeah, I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time? Yes, I'm sure you are, but since this is obviously your first trip to the library, I'd like to explain to you how it works. Please have a seat over here. Oh, wait, careful! Take your head out of your ass first, wouldn't want you to break your neck. There, now... you see that gentleman over there, the one about to take a seat in that big, comfortable chair? He's on his lunch hour, and since he's on a diet, he thought he'd come here and read a few chapters of the new Harlan Coben novel. Yes, I think the man's writing is juvenile as well, but this gent seems to like him. And the older woman, there in the large-print section? She's taken to reading romance novels since her husband of 53 years died a year and a half ago. They remind her of the old days. The young man there on the computer waited almost an hour for one to come available so he could research the essay he's writing on quantum physics. I don't know what the fuck it is, either! That's not the point! Try to focus, here, will you?! Okay, the guy two seats from him is trying to get internet porn on a library computer. No, he can't, you're right... and I suppose I'll have to wait until I get home to take a piss now. Don't want to run into him in the restroom, you know? Anyway, last but not least are those two women and the man behind the check-out counter. Know what those are? Those are what we call the librarians. They get paid to assist us in our pursuit of knowledge. What they are NOT paid to do is babysit. Look behind you. Hang on, they're coming. There they are! They look to be about nine, maybe ten. They're really moving! And around the corner and-WHOA! They almost took out that pregnant woman! Did you see that?! They need to be reined-in, lady. ME?! Not my job... it's YOURS! And before you give me that line of bullshit about you can't hire a babysitter every time you want to borrow a movie, it's not about that. It's about teaching your kids there's a time and place for that behavior, and the library isn't it. So, the next time you- wait, what? Bullshit, I saw them walk in with you! What's that you say? You saw their dad drop them off and go where?!...

Five minutes later...

...Sir? Excuse me, sir? Yeah, you, buying the 12-pack of Miller and the Camel Lights. I was wondering if I could have a few minutes of your time? Yes, I know my nose is bleeding!...