Embracing The Dark

Lots of things have happened since the last time I wrote. And since no one reads this shit anyway, I won't bore you with the details. Fuck it, if no one reads this I can bore you all I want...

My uncle has cancer. My daughter joined the Army, quit, is living with her girlfriend, and is desperate to find a job. My ex is moving to Texas and leaving my son here, which means I'll be moving into her house with him. I have a job that I can do from home, so no worries about my knees, but it's still taxing on the brain sometimes. I've had to deal with courts and lawyers and family. Okay, everyone deals with family, but not MY family. And I have a best friend. She goes through this shit with me, tags along, you might say. Helps me when I need it. I threw that in her face last night, and I think it may have done irreparable damage. My loss.

You know what life is, folks? It's a candle. Some candles burn brighter than others. Bigger wicks. Shut up you fucking pervs. Others are like tea candles, and burn, but not quite as bright. And that's okay, because they serve a purpose. Then there are those candles that you buy for fragrance. Trouble is, once you get them home and light them for the first time, you realize they don't smell as nice as the wax that hold the wick. You blow out the flame and toss it, or give it to an unsuspecting buddy, either as a joke or because you honestly think they may like it. Whatever.

Point is, once a candle goes out, it's out. And depending on how strong the flame, the smoke will linger. But eventually, the smoke's gone, the scent is gone, and it's forgotten.

I don't believe in an afterlife. God does not exist. Not for me, anyway. As I might have mentioned, if it gives you comfort to believe, that's fine with me. Don't tell me it's the truth, though. I have plenty of truth, I've seen it, and the last thing I need is for someone to tell me there's truth in something I can't see, touch, or at the very least, feel.

Don't ask me what the point of this entry is, non-readers, because there isn't one. I had a bad few days, and wrote what came into my narrow little mind. I guess if there's a point, it's that I was always perfectly happy with my little tea light candle. But lately, it's not lighting my way as well as it used to. It makes me sad, and angry, and hurt. But it's just me. It's who I am.

Closing my eyes and embracing the dark helps me cope. But it's not always right. And it's never easy.