We now return you to our regularly scheduled progamming...

Neighbors. We all have them; whether they're a few feet or a mile away, we all have them. Some are nice, bring us things like cookies or frozen treats. Some aren't so nice, bring us dog and cat shit on our front lawns or toss our mail in the garbage when they receive it by mistake. My parents have one of each. The neighbors to the right are a nice old couple that occasionally cut the ditch in the front yard with the riding mower they own, simply because it's easier than my dad doing it with his push mower (and his bad back, and his arthritis, and those ungodly white legs of his). They've brought my parents Christmas cookies, and my mother's delivered a tasty frozen concoction made with strawberries, Cool Whip, and Oreo cookies. They get along just fine. And where would the fun be in talking any more on the subject of their good neighbors, when they have a perfectly good, perfectly ignorant, dumbfuck of a bona fide cultural illiterate living on the opposite side? You want the ranting and raving? Hang out and enjoy!

First, a little background on said dumbfuck: his wife, according to him, is in a mental institution, because she's mentally unstable (gee, really, is that why?). His daughter's currently serving time for theft... of HIS Jeep. And recently dumbfuck moved into his girlfriend's house (and back), but when he left, he also left his unemployed 18-year old son behind to fend for himself (and trust me, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, which makes the fact of his being left alone all the more tragic). Dumbfuck rides his motorcycle when it's raining, takes his pick-up truck when the sun's shining, refuses to keep his lawn cut, and oh yeah, did I mention he has a beagle puppy he keeps outside ALL THE TIME? He had two dogs before that which disappeared. I don't know, don't want to know. There are so many examples of illiteracy I could pick apart, but I'm going to stick to the two that directly involve yours truly. After all, you want it from the horse's mouth, right?

The first and second interactions I had with him were very similar, both involving trees he has in his front yard. One's more a bush, I suppose, but the other's a crabapple tree. The "bush" is quite large and the branches stick out every which way, leaning out so far they nearly hang out into the road (this is a country road, 45 MPH until a quarter mile north of Roundtown, where it hits 55 MPH). Exiting my parent's driveway, it's nearly impossible to see what's coming through the branches. When my mother mentioned this to me one day, I asked why they didn't just cut it back to where they had a clear line of sight? Not getting the response I really needed, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took the electric trimmer they have and cut the branches back. I suppose I should mention dumbfuck wasn't even living there at the time, it was when he was staying with his girlfriend. By sheer luck, he came back that day. The branches were obviously cut back, and I happened to be on the front porch when he pulled in his driveway.

"Did you see who cut my tree?" he asked.

"Yep. I did. It was blocking the view out of the driveway, and it makes it dangerous for my parents to pull out onto the road."

"I'd appreciate it if you asked next time." And he begins to walk away, as if the conversation's over. It might have been, but what'd we talk about in regards to the culturally illiterate? Right! Education! So, I tried to educate him. It obviously didn't work; I already said there were TWO examples I was going to discuss, didn't I, Roundtowners? Keep up, now, so far so good...

I responded "I'll ask, but the result will be the same. If those branches are blocking the view, they're going to be cut." He turned around, as if he were going to respond, then didn't. He just looked at me and walked away. The next thing I hear is banging and cursing coming from his garage. Perhaps he's not used to being talked to that way. Perhaps he's upset he didn't have a good comeback. Who the fuck knows. For that matter, who the fuck cares? I took the book I was reading back inside, and that was that. Pretty tame, right? No big deal. But the SECOND time, well... that was a tad different...

The crabapple tree hangs out over my 'rents' driveway turn-around. It's summer, so they're abundant on the tree, and in fact make a mess my mother sweeps into dumbfuck's yard when they cut the grass. Many crabapples equals a lot of weight on the branches, and they hang quite low. Low enough, in fact, to scrape the top of my parent's van when they turn it around. Electric trimmer, anyone? This time, I cut the tree back to the property line. It looks really funny, actually; one half of the tree's huge, the other's a bunch of stumpy branches. Looking at it after, I actually burst into fits of laughter I couldn't quite control. This was the cause of the escalation in the argument I had with the dumbfuck when he came home.

Knock knock. The door opens and an angry, red-faced neighbor is standing there, asking my dad who cut his apple tree. "I did!" I shouted from the couch, and stepped around to the door.

"You have no right to cut down my tree, that's MY tree, it's on MY property!"

"Wrong. It's hanging onto THIS property, and that makes the branches I cut THEIR property. THEIR property was scratching the roof of THEIR van. So I cut the offensive branches back." (I type this a bit more eloquently than was the language actually used, but hey, creative license and all that.)

"You can't do that without my permission! I know the law!" (Isn't it funny how people who don't have a leg to stand on think the law is always on their side?) "I'll get a conjunction against you!" A... CONJUNCTION? I couldn't help it, there was never any doubt the laughter was going to burst out, so I didn't even try to hold it in. And it did burst out, like a fucking volcano! If I'd have been taking a sip of beer, dumbfuck would've had a faceful of foam!

This guy was PISSED! He turned as red as those fucking apples he's complaining about, and that association made me double over! The thought of that tree, the "conjunction," and the beet-red face on this dumbfuck was more than I could take! I closed the door on him, still laughing, and heard the small gate my parents use to keep the dog on the porch skid across the driveway as Mr Grumpy took his leave. I laughed for next 20 minutes, my mom joining in, my dad shaking his head the whole time and wondering if things would get worse.

Look, ladies and gentlemen, if I already know you're one of the illiterates I pontificate about in the Sanitorium, and you make yourself an ACTUAL illiterate by showing the type of ignorance dumbfuck demonstrated to me, expect to be laughed at. I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I paid attention during the Saturday morning cartoons of my youth, and Schoolhouse Rock in particular, and I know what a conjunction is...

It's that little train with the words on it... right?